


Nothing to Gain

by prokii



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Assassins & Hitmen, Childhood Friends, Depression, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Government Agencies, High School, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBT, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Instability, Murder, Obsession, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sexual Tension, Stalking, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Young Love, boy/boy, but also slow burn, but dont worry my username is the same lol, fast paced, if that makes sense, m/m - Freeform, mentions of abuse, this might be posted on wattpad too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-19 09:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29872488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prokii/pseuds/prokii
Summary: "Other than sex, I have literally nothing to gain and everything to lose."Cooper Rodriguez absolutely hates everyone and everything around him. And since it is his last year in high school, he won't have to worry about chaos much longer. Chaos, however, seems to have taken a liking to the poor boy, and it has latched itself onto him.In a world full of assassins and pedophiles, Cooper's best escape is with his childhood best friend, Luka Heartfelt. But after he realizes that the boys are both madly in love with each other, time and common sense seem to spiral out of control.!check the warnings, please!all rights reservedprokii
Relationships: Cooper Rodriguez/Luka Heartfelt, Original Character & Original Character, Original Character(s)/Original Character(s), Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 2





	1. im not listening anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper wonders around at a party.

“Strip! Strip! Strip!” 

I don’t even know what’s happening or how I got here, but I want to leave. One minute I’m minding my damn business, the next I’m watching a drunk idiotic straight guy dance around on a table while being told to strip. His poor girlfriend is standing by the stairs, looking ready to throw herself down them. I don’t blame her, though, as I too feel the constant need to commit arson on myself. 

The crowd I’m standing in moves closer to the guy about to flash himself to the entire twelfth grade, which ushers me closer to the naked man. Normally, I don’t have a problem with naked guys. If anything, I threw myself at them until someone’s dick is in someone’s hole. However, I don’t do straight guys, no shit. Nor do I do guys with partners. That’s just… weird. And since Mr. I’m-Stripping-On-My-Friend’s-Kitchen-Counter over here checks out both boxes, I’d rather avoid him at all costs. Plus, I think the guy used to bully me in the seventh grade. 

As the crowd drew closer, they got louder, and I got border. I slowly but surely realized that I want nothing to do with the weirdos surrounding me at this very moment. I don’t want to watch the guy that looks like he’s about to do some bird mating call, so I swallowed what little sanity I had left and pushed my way through the crowd of my horny peers. After receiving some unwanted gropes and butt high-fives, I made it to the huge balcony. 

This is strange, I thought to myself, I normally enjoy parties. They used to be my favorite part about Fridays. I would get drunk off my ass and find some guy with a dick big enough for my standards, then I would find Luka and, since he doesn’t drink, he would take me home. But now, ever since we realized we want to fuck each other, my entire life has been a little confusing. 

I quickly lit a cigarette as I thought back on it. 

Luka is my best friend. He was, and still is, my ride or die. We met in the sixth grade, two months after me and my older brother, Connor, got adopted by our dads (poor Connor, he’s the only straight guy in the house). I still remember that terrifying day. I had been so overwhelmed by the angst surrounding the hallways; I forced myself to escape to the bathroom. He had found me there. 

“Are you… okay?” He had asked me. His dirty blond hair was longer back then, it almost reached his shoulders. His freckles weren’t as prominent as they are now, but his pretty blue-green-hazel eyes are still just as bright. Looking back on it, I guess I was hoping we would fuck from the start. 

“I’m fine,” I sniffed, aggressively turning away from him as a soft blush made their home on my cheeks. 

“... Do you need a hug?” Oh, I remember thinking that that was the weirdest thing I had ever heard. I mean, what middle school boy asks a crying male, who was about a head shorter than him at the time, if he needs a hug? That’s just not how middle schoolers work. 

Despite my confusion, I realized that I really did need a hug, so I nodded. We had most of our classes together, so a friendship bloomed pretty quick. He was the kindest person I’ve ever met. He still is the kindest person I’ve ever met. 

And I am very, very in love with him. 

The only issue is he is also very, very in love with me. 

Now, in hindsight, this shouldn’t be an issue. I mean, we confess our underlying love, get married, have fourteen foster kids, then retire with two dogs and a cat in Hawaii. Then every morning I would wake up to his voice and his dick - which is super big, by the way - and we would be together forever and ever. And then, when we die, we would get buried next to each other… Okay, yeah, maybe I’ve thought about this one too many times. 

But it just isn’t that simple. First, there’s the fact that we are technically government property. We were both unlucky enough to grow up in homes with people that “protected the city” or whatever the fuck they did. Since we aren’t grown men with over thirty years of experience, our missions are pretty simple. One that I liked to do (against my father’s wishes) was catch pedos. I mean, it’s basically free sex, and I don’t have to feel guilty afterwards because I just report them and they get thrown in jail. I liked to pretend that I’m an innocent sixteen-year-old boy named Ricardo that’s still closeted. Little did they know, Ricardo is trained in physical combat and karate and can beat some ass. 

Anyhow, the job is dangerous and one of us could die, which would suck balls. 

Second, this is me we’re talking about. Like, it’s me? Why would he want to date me? I’m too hypersexual for my own good, I cheat on homework all the damn time, I drink, I smoke, I steal, I occasionally light things on fire. I’m gross. 

Just as I was getting to the climax of my internal monologue, I hear the sliding door open. 

“Coop,” Luka says. I don’t think it was intended to be sexy, but fuck, it was sexy to me. His voice isn’t gravelly deep, but it’s deeper than mine, and still somehow softer than mine, too. Fuck, I just wanna get on my knees and have his cock shoved down my throat- 

“What’s wrong?” 

I choked on my cigarette smoke for a few seconds before turning to him. 

His hair is the same shade of dirty blond as it always was, but now it’s cut to his ears, a bit longer in the front than in the back. He’s paler, but his freckles are darker, and it’s cute as fuck. He’s not a foot taller than me anymore, but now only dominated my average high by two inches. 

He placed a heavy hand on my shoulder as I stared at his slightly muscles arms, “Cooper?” 

“Uhh… wha?” I asked. 

“You smoke when you’re too deep in that head of yours-” I wish your head was deep in me. “-and you’re never by yourself at a party. What’s up?” 

I tried to think of something to say, “I’m just… tired.” 

I turned to face towards the railing of the balcony, laying my forearms on it as I drew another breath of my ciggy. The moon is dazzling tonight, but I wish I could see the stars. I always wish I could see the stars. 

“Cooper, you’re…” Luka shook his head as he stood next to be. 

“I’m what?” 

“Everything.” 

I don’t know what the fuck that means, but it sounds romantic. 

Neither of us said anything. There’s not much we could say. It’s been months since Luka accidently told me he loved me - in a romantic way, not a bro way - and it’s been months since my drunk ass said it back. Everything’s been fairly normal. It hasn’t been awkward; I mean. Which is a miracle, really. 

But now and then we’d have brief moments like this. We’d just sit in silence as we think of something to say that may spark a relationship, only to get too caught up in the cons of it all. I guess the only thing holding us back is our childish fear of the future. 

I tried to keep my mind neutral during this whole thing, I really did. So I decided that, other than sex, I have literally nothing to gain and everything to lose from a relationship between us. 

But damn, would sex with Luka be nice. We’d only had sex one and a half times, the half being a blowjob. I don’t remember most of it, since it was one of those very rare moments when Luka actually drank alcohol. And hell, if Luka even touches liquor, I’m basically already wasted. 

Fuck, just thinking about it makes me horny. Sometimes, I’d have this inconvenient little voice in my head saying to peer pressure him into drinking so he’d fuck me again, but that’s cruel and I always shut the intrusive thought up. Peer pressure is the only reason I’m even holding this stupid cancer stick. 

“I’m gonna go find some dick,” I blurted out. 

Luka didn’t look surprised in the slightest, “Oh?” 

“Oh,” I repeated, “Unless you have something in mind?” 

He chuckled, “I’m not that easy.” 

I pouted and turned away, but didn’t start walking. I don’t want to leave him. Is that weird? Even if we don’t have sex, I want to stay here with him. I know I can’t do that, though. I’d probably end up humping his leg or something. But, as I walked away, I felt his hand land on my shoulder once more. 

It made me warm. 

“Come find me later, kay?” He said, “I’ll drive you home.” 

“And give me head in the car?” 

“Haha, no.” 

“I’m disappointed.” 

I walked away. 

It wasn’t long before I came across a guy not totally wasted and willing to fuck me. I’m one of the few gays that are out of the closet in my school, so all the closet cases come to me when they want a quick wank. They know I won’t out them; just because I light things on fire doesn’t mean I would do something that cruel. That being said, as soon as I walked down the hallway, a nice guy named Alejandro grabbed my arm. 

“Hey,” He panted, “Do you remember that time you said you were always down for sex?” 

“Nope,” I replied, wrapping my arms around the brunette’s neck as I leaned in to kiss him. He tasted like brownies, and I’m honestly a little offended nothing was offered to me. 

Within seconds, he backed me up against a door to one of Noella’s guest rooms with Al’s hand down my pants. 

I’ve known Alejandro since middle school, since we’ve always been on the soccer team together. Poor Al has been going through a sexuality crisis for years now, but the boy’s obviously not straight enough to not want to have sex with me. I’ve suggested that he may be pansexual a few times, but he always says that he can’t be pansexual because he hates everybody and everything. Everything but my ass, of course. 

The playful groping became more and more heated as the time passed, and soon we were shuffling into the guest bedroom and throwing each other on the bed. I quickly assisted him in removing his shirt that reeked of Miss Maryjane. I yanked his jeans and underwear down, my mouth watered at the sight of him. 

I had the thought that he isn’t as big as Luka, but I instantly pushed it out. It’s rude to think about other people when you’re having sex with someone else. 

He slid my black sweatpants down and rubbed me through my briefs. A shudder went through me. I hastily discarded my underwear and pushed Alejandro down on the bed. I climbed over him and chuckled. 

“Did you bring a condom?” He asked as I kissed down from his chest to his abdomen. 

I licked a long stride along his dick and nodded towards my discarded pants, “Always.” 

He reached down on his quest to retrieve the condom from my pocket. As soon as it is safe in his hand, I got a little friskier. I eased his dick into my mouth. He gasped and groaned, tangling his hand in my loose curls. My head jerked down, taking more of him in me. 

“Fuck,” He moaned, “How are you so good at that?” 

I glanced up at him through my eyelashes, “I was that kid that deep throated bananas at the lunch table.” 

“I can tell- shit-” 

I took his dick out of my mouth with a soft ‘pop’ and climbed back up his body. His skin is darker and rougher than mine is. 

“Are you clean?” He asked, circling my hole with his finger. 

I gave him a blank stare, “Always.” 

I always prep before parties because having to get past the awkward finger stage is annoying. Sue me. 

He grinned, “Coolio.” 

He rolled the condom on his cock before pushing in. I groaned as his hands gripped my hips, gently pushing them down onto him. A groan drawled out of my throat as his long member sunk deeper and deeper into me. After a moment, I began rocking my hips on him. 

I couldn’t help it this time as my mind wandered to Luka. The only time we had sex we were both super drunk, so naturally we were pretty rough. We didn’t get to savor any of it. I wonder, if we were both sober, would we be gentle with each other? Who would top? How many rounds would we go? 

Will he tell me he loves me again? 

Would I say it back? 

I’m suddenly hyper aware of the fast pace I’m going as I slam my body down on Al’s cock. Beads of sweat rolled down my face as I panted heavily. I felt a coil in the pit of my stomach become more prominent as I continued to ride Alejandro. A soft moan and a string of curses rippled from my throat as I reached my climax, releasing all over his abdomen. 

I panted and slowed down as Al came inside me. 

“Fuck,” I cursed, draping myself over the boy under me. 

I buried my face in his neck as he rubbed his hands over my back. If Luka wasn’t waiting for me outside, I probably wouldn’t mind staying here. But I can’t just leave my boyfriend-but-not-boyfriend-best friend alone, so I forced myself to get up. 

Al raised a hand to mess with my hair as I sat up, “Has anyone ever told you you’re really fucking cute?” 

“All the time,” I grunted, stepping off of him. 

“I’m serious,” He said, “You’re, like, the perfect combination of cute and hot and sexy.” 

“Thanks.” 

“You sound like you don’t believe me.” 

I shrugged, “I just feel like I’m not the ‘perfect combination’ or whatever.” 

“Then who is?” 

I pretend to think about it even though I already knew who I was going to say, “Probably Luka?” 

I scoffed at Al as he snorted at me, “What?” 

“Probably Luka,” He mocked, “Have you guys fucked yet? Like, actual sex, when you’re not drunk?” 

I turned away as I pulled my pants up, “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

He walked over to me and threw his arms over my body, “Well, maybe if you would stop letting me drag you to the guest room as parties, you’d be able to hit some.” 

I shrugged him off, “Make your dick shrink, then we’ll talk.” 

He laughed and flopped back down on the bed, “Seriously, though. At least talk about your puppy love for him.” 

I said nothing. 

After I pulled my shirt and hoodie on, he rolled his eyes, “Fine. Then I won’t have sex with you ‘till you decide.” 

I blessed him with my third finger. 

I stretched before strolling out the door like nothing happened. I sighed, tiredly rubbing my back in pain. As I walked down the stairs, I noticed the party had died down a little. More people were getting an Uber to take them home, or they’re passed out on the couch. I made my escape through the front door and scanned my eyes for Luka’s car. 

“Boo.” 

I turned around, unamused, “Wow, you are just so scary. Ah.” 

Luka grinned before nudging me to his car. I sighed as he started it. 

“Are you hungry?” He asks, “We can go somewhere to eat, I’ll pay.” 

I shook my head, “I’m good.” 

It took a while to get away from Noella’s house since the front yard is overflowing with drunk people. 

“Where d’you go, anyway?” He asks. 

“Alejandro,” I replied, though I felt guilty for some reason. 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” 

... Well, this was weird. It’s never been this awkward before. Maybe he’s rethinking loving me? Or maybe he’s found someone else? Maybe it’s a pretty girl with bright brown hair and blue eyes that lives on the beach and they’ll have blue-eyed kids and I’ll never see him ever again because they’ll move to Italy or something. Oh my god, my best friend is going to hate me. He regrets becoming my friend, and he’s going to say that he hates me- 

“We’re here.” 

I looked up and realized that we are sitting in front of my house. I guess I got so caught up in my head. 

“... Can you sleep over?” I whispered, not wanting him to leave. 

He gives me a sad smile, “Can’t. I’ve got to go somewhere tomorrow.” 

“Oh” 

It was quiet. 

“Well, I should go-” 

“Can I stay?” 

I glanced at Luka and shrugged, but he didn’t see me. 

“Just like… for-for a few minutes? Can we just get high or something?” 

I looked at him like he had grown a second head. Get high? Luka’s more likely to get high than drunk, but not if he’s busy the day after. And certainly not in a car in front of my house that contained my dads and my brother. He’s not the type of person to risk getting caught in such an obvious place. 

“Are you okay?” I asked, “You don’t normally do things like… that.” 

He avoided my gaze, “I know, but you…. Can I just stay with you? Please?” 

“Lu, I never say no to getting high.” 

I reached into my pocket, grabbing a small back of brownies that Al had slipped into my pocket before I left. I didn’t realize they were there until we got in the car. I stuffed the not-so-fresh pot brownie into my mouth and offered him one. He took it, and small sparks tingle down my arm as our fingers glazed over each other. 

It wasn’t long before the bag was empty and we were sitting in the back seat, our legs tangled together, high off our asses. 

“Cooper,” Luka spoke after some silence, “When do you want to get married?” 

I glanced over at him with a dazed look on my face, “Like, now or…” 

“Like, college.” 

“Oh,” I rested my legs in his lap, “We can get married if you want.” 

“Do you want to get married to me?” 

“Yeah,” I answered without a second thought. 

“Okay cool.” 

An idea popped into my head as I grinned. 

“Ya’ know…” I said seductively, removing my legs from his lap and crawling over to him, straddling him, “We could skip the reception and jump straight to the honeymoon phase? I’m sure we’d both enjoy that…” 

He hummed softly as his hands suddenly appeared on my waist, trailing down to my hips. I smiled in success, ignoring the voice in the back of my saying that we’ll both regret this in the morning. My hand trickled down from his chest and down his stomach. I slid his jeans down, rubbing him through his underwear. 

“I think that’s a fantastic idea,” He groaned as I got on my knees between his legs, licking him through his garments. 

There’s a knock on the window. 

I instantly snapped up, the top of my head banged into Luka’s chin. He let out a pained groan, falling back onto the car seat. My eyes scanned the window, trying to figure out who interrupted my chance. 

Shivers of horror went through me as I saw my brother. He shook his head in disgust when he realized what we were doing, then nodded towards the door. I felt like I became sober in seconds. 

“U-uh-” I stuttered over my words, “I should probably go-” 

“Yeah,” Luka looked embarrassed, “Me too.” 

I frowned at him, “Uhmm… maybe you shouldn’t drive? We had a lot of brownies…” 

“Yes! Yep, yeah…” He shook his head, “Good, yeah, a responsible decision.” 

Luka’s house is only a block away, so it wouldn’t take long for him to walk there and back in the morning for his car. 

I stared at his eyes, “Uh- okay bye.” 

“I love-” 

“Love-” 

“Ahh-” 

“Uh-” 

“Okay bye-” 

“Yeah, okay, see you at school.” 

Fuck my life.


	2. i will never get over u

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luka and Cooper skip AP Literature in the boy's bathroom.

Cooper and I are sitting in the bathroom.

There’s no reason for us to go to class. Mrs. Rogner doesn’t care about us, so AP Lit is easy. It’s a frequent occurrence that we hide away in the bathroom during her class, or we’ll go up to the library and do work.

I don’t care, really, just as long as I’m with Cooper.

Cooper sighed next to me, leaning back into his place under the sinks. At this point, we are immune to the rancid smell of the poor aim in the boy’s bathroom, so Cooper tries really hard to get comfortable. Fuck, he’s so cute.

“Do you know if anyone’s having a party soon?” He asked, glancing at me. 

“Dunno,” I shrugged, “Why? You didn’t seem to enjoy Noella’s.”

“I just wasn’t feeling it then. Besides, I want to have one of those nights where I had crazy sex with, like, four guys.”

I winced as my heart cracked a little more, “Oh.”

He stretched his arms over his head before laying his head in my lap, “When was the last time you got laid, big guy?”

“Uhh…” I said, pretending like it wasn’t months ago when we confessed our love and fucked.

It’s not like he’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with, because he’s not. I’ve had sex with other people before, I just haven’t been able to lately because of how obsessed I am with this boy. He’s just… perfect. Especially with his soft, wavy hair that curls when he’s hot or stressed. And his big, brown eyes that hold so much emotion. And his-

“See!” He grinned, “All the more reason to go to a party!”

I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about this on a Tuesday, “I don’t know, Coop. I mean, you still have that essay about Albert Einstein’s wife to finish, and we haven’t even started our Chemistry presentation-”

“I’m offended that you don’t think we can finish our presentation before the weekend.”

“We never finish presentations before the weekend, Cooper!”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Cooper said, sitting up and draping his legs over me, “Guess we’ll have to try harder.”

I couldn’t help but place my hand on his leg, just above his knee, “Why do you want me to have sex, anyway? Pretty creepy how obsessed you are with my sex life.”

“Yeah, well…” He inched closer to me and tapped my shoulder, “I have to make sure you aren’t getting soft, okay?”

I didn’t respond, but let him get closer to me.

“And if things aren’t done right, then I’ll do it myself.”

Most of the time, I’ve shut Cooper and his advances towards me up by now. I love him, I do, but I don’t want us to have sex just to have sex. I want us to savor each other like a couple would. Don’t get me wrong, it would certainly help if we’re both sober like we are now. But I don’t like the thought of being one of Cooper’s quickies, especially in the school bathroom. I want us to really feel it.

I want him to really love me.

… But a kiss couldn’t hurt, could it?

With that in mind, I grab Cooper’s cheek, pulling him towards me and connecting our lips. His lips are rough against mine, but I don’t care. He groaned, sliding towards me like he’s about to straddle me. In a different setting, I wouldn’t mind, but we’re in a school bathroom and I’d rather not get caught here. 

Too late.

“C’mon, homos,” Noella’s voice entered my ears, “There are new kids I want y’all to meet.”

Cooper scoffed, breaking our kiss, “Blind bitch, don’t you see the sign? This is the boy’s bathroom. Let us make out, goddamn it.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Noella said, “Besides, the only teachers in the hallway right now are Mr. Smith and that one girl that thinks she’s still in college. They both think I should still use this bathroom.”

I tore my eyes away from the love of my life to look at Noella. She’s this small, thin girl with brown, shoulder length hair that she normally straightens. Her skin is a pleasant tan shade, just a tone darker than Cooper. 

She’s pretty, but not Cooper pretty.

Cooper grunted, turning towards her while leaning his back on my arm, “Ugh, those dumb hoes. Well, what is it, then? What’s so important that you must walk in on our make-out session?”

She rolled her eyes, “I just told you; there are two new kids that I want you to meet!”

“Why the hell would we want to meet them? What are we, mean girls?”

After a minute of their bickering, Cooper got up, dragging me along with him. He took my hand and led me out to the hallway while I desperately tried to think of naked grandmas to sooth my hard-on.

The hallways had a few more people in them than earlier. I guess the lunch bell rang while Cooper and I were experiencing heaven on Earth. No, not heaven, that was beyond heaven. It made me feel like a fucking god. Oh, I hope Cooper felt like that, too. I don’t think he understands how obsessed I am with him. I mean, I’m not obsessed in an unhealthy way. Sometimes, I’ll take pictures of him, print them out and put them in my books as bookmarks to remind myself that the book characters I’m reading about don’t compete with Cooper. I even learned how to knit and sew awhile ago so I can make little Cooper dolls I look at and cuddle with.

Like I said; not unhealthy. My dad does the same thing to the woman he left my mom for.

Well, I guess she’s my stepmom, since she’s also the woman my dad left my biological mom for. But I don’t care, she takes care of me. Unlike my dad.

I hastily caught up to Cooper’s pace as he entered the cafeteria. Noella stood at the doorway, scanning the tables. She seemed to find what she was looking for, as her face brightened and she zoomed over to a table in the back. Sitting at the table were two people, a boy and a girl. They both had long, silky black hair and brown eyes.

“Besties,” She grinned, “Meet my new, better bestie’s! Alexander and Avery Winisky!”

“Your last name is Whisky?” Cooper asked.

“It’s Winisky,” Alexander said.

Cooper and I glanced at each other, hesitant to talk to people we barely know. Not wanting to offend anybody, we took a seat across from Noella and the twins.

“How’d y’all meet?” Cooper asked, though I could tell he was not interested whatsoever.

Noella shot Cooper an annoyed look, “I saved Avery from Travis’ flirtations.”

Maybe it was just me, but the way Noella said Avery’s name sounded a lot like how I say Cooper’s. Anna was right, love at first sight exists.

Cooper rolled his eyes, “Why are you lookin’ at me like that? What does that have to do with me?”

“He’s your ex.”

“He’s your ex?” Avery’s nose wrinkled at that a little.

My heart broke as Noella’s face held a hurt look. Cooper crossed his legs stiffly and I couldn’t help but notice Alexander shifting a little in his seat, looking uncomfortable.

“Uh.. yeah,” Cooper said, “Note the word ex. We broke up ‘cause he kept looking at-”

“You’re gay?” Avery pressured.

Cooper gave her a blank stare, “No. I’m a straight guy that just wanted to date a fellow bro.”

“...”

Cooper looked at Noella with eyes that said, “Seriously? This is who you wanted us to meet? I was having an amazing make-out session.”… Although that last part could just be in my head.

“Uhh… well, anyway.” Alexander broke the silence, “We moved here from New York, New York. It’s a bit of a change compared to the city.”

Cooper rested his chin on his hands, “Full offense, but New York is a shit hole. I can’t even drive here, I can’t imagine driving in a place where 80% of the time your only option is to parallel park.”

The two boys’ conversation continued throughout lunch. By the time the bell rang, they were both regretting not getting a bagged lunch to eat. Avery and Noella looked uncomfortable, but I think Noella’s discomfort is mainly from her lack of eating, since she said she was going on a diet. I’ve told her multiple times she doesn’t need it.

I’m not hungry either, I ate enough in the bathroom before lunch.

At the end of the day, the whole student body rushes out the door. I quickly grab Cooper’s hand and lead him out through the back, near the buses. 

“This is ridiculous!” Cooper said as we wait for the bus driver to open the doors, “I cannot fucking believe she gave me an 80 on that fuckin’ essay! That bitch literally fuckin’ told Elisabeth that she had spelling errors, but that son-of-a-fucking-whore got a 93! That favoring, cock-suckin’, old ass, bowel of old, moldy dog water! Ugh!”

I gave a soft smile and patted Cooper on the back, gingerly pushing him onto the bus. 

“Don’t talk so loud,” I said, “Her friends might hear you.”

“Fuck them!” He screamed, “Fuck ‘em, I say! They can suck my dick! They can fuckin’- they can- they can choke on a whole-ass watermelon! I hope those fucks suffer under my command!”

I nudged him into a seat near the back, “Okay, maybe try being a little quieter, please? You’re disrupting the peace—”

“Fuck the peace! The peace can eat my ass!”

“Oh my God,” Noella muttered as she sat in the already occupied seat next to us, “Just shut up already, you whore. It’s not that big a deal.”

“It’s literally the biggest of all deals-”

I slammed my hand down on his mouth before he could say more.

I grinned at Noella, “I’m so sorry. He’s in a mood right now and — Cooper Rodriguez, you better stop licking my hand — he thinks that his world and all of his problems are everyone else’s business. Please ignore, stop it, please ignore him.”

Noella snorted before mumbling a small “gladly” as she plugged her earbuds in.

I removed my now wet hand from Cooper’s mouth, groaning in disgust.

“Was that really necessary?” I groan, wiping my hand on my pants.

Cooper rolled his eyes, sighing dramatically as he leaned against the window. I took this as an opportunity to stare at him.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human being carry the same beauty that Cooper does. There’s just something about how his eyes are constantly unfocused and hazy. How he subconsciously nibbles on his lips when he’s deep in thought. Or maybe it’s the way he carries himself? He walks and talks with such confidence that it makes anyone want to bow down before him on their knees. It could be his humor as well. He’s so funny, even when he’s joking about his own trauma (granted, most of those jokes I don’t laugh at).

Of course, there are always the dirty aspects that get me going as well. Like the way his legs move when he crosses them, or the way he can’t ever seem to sit still so he’s constantly squirming around. And the way his lips move when he smiles, or the way he pants after gym or… fuck. I’m so in love with him, I’m too in love with him. I feel like with every breath he takes is another breath towards my own life. Every time his heart beats, mine beats twice as fast. Our souls are intertwined with each other by a string tied around our entire body’s, so no one can ever separate them.

In the back of my mind, I could hear an argument my mom and I had around a year ago, something about me seeing a therapist. I quickly pushed the memory out.

After 40 minutes of listing all the things I love about Cooper, the bus finally pulled up to our neighborhood. I awkwardly maneuvered through the isle of bookbags and empty water bottles before tumbling down the stairs of the bus with Cooper and Noella behind me. We walked past all the old people cutting the grass on their lawns before making it to our street. Noella parted with us and I expected Cooper to as well, but instead he stuck to me like glue and basically threw my door open as soon as I unlocked it.

“Good afternoon, Ms. Sohyon!” Cooper greeted as soon as he saw my mom.

“Oh, hello,” Mom said with her Korean accent, “How are you, Cooper?”

“I’m fantastic,” He said, even though I could still hear the rage in his voice from earlier.

“That’s good.”

I dragged Cooper upstairs. My room isn’t anything special. I have a few band posters and some random paintings I found at Ross. The only interesting thing I have in here is a chest under my bed full of things that I… borrowed from Cooper. 

Cooper jumped onto the white sheets on my bed, spreading his arms out, “Man, I would give anything to jump off a bridge right now.”

“Please don’t do that,” I said as my eyes trailed down to his lips, remembering our kiss from earlier.

I leaned over him, “Did you ever finish that project for Chemistry?”

“Of course not,” Cooper snorted, “It wouldn’t fit my aesthetic if I did projects before the day they were due.”

Cooper started ranting about school projects, but my ears decided not to keep up with his voice. I felt like I couldn’t hear anything but the soft beating of our hearts combined. 

This is an occurrence that’s becoming more and more common. Where I’m unable to focus on anything but the way Cooper looks, the way he talks, the way his lips feel against mine. I felt a sudden desperation to feel his lips again, and I did. Before I could realize what I was doing, I pushed Cooper down onto my mattress and locked our lips. 

Cooper choked for a second before he began moving his lips against mine. I could feel his hand grip the back of my shirt as he moaned. My tongue ran across his bottom lip, pleading for entrance. He swiftly opened his mouth more, inviting me to a French kiss. He wrapped his legs around my hips, drawing our body’s closer. My hand reached under his shirt and-

“Boys!” My mom called, “I ordered pizza if you’re hungry!”

Cooper groaned in the kiss, pulling away slightly.

I frowned, “Please don’t tell me you’re hungry.”

He gave me a sly smile as I whined in disappointment. 

He jumped up and grabbed me by my hand, dragging me downstairs. Cooper grinned at Mom before swiftly stacking three of the biggest slices on a plate. I, however, settled with one. We forced ourselves back into the safety of my room.

“Cooper…” I muttered as he stuffed his face with pizza, “You know I… I still don’t really understand why we can’t…”

My crush glanced at me, confusion glinting in his eyes. After a second, he rolled those spheres of beauty.

He gave me an annoyed look, “I’ve already explained multiple times why we can’t date, Lulu.”

“But I don’t get them!” I exclaimed, “I want to hold your hand and kiss you in public and have very obvious car sex in the school parking lot before first period! Why can’t we be like that for the rest of our sad, miserable lives, Cooper?”

“Because relationships are useless! Not to be alt or anything, but they’re only use is to allow others to manipulate you! No offense, but look how your mom and dad turned out.”

“But what about your family? Your dads get along fine.”

“Yeah, well-” He stuttered, “It’s- well it’s-... it’s different for us, okay! People want to kill us because we’re young! They want to poison our brains and make us believe in a society that doesn’t believe us! How are we supposed to grow old when at any moment I could be dragged to Mexico or you could be forced away from your mom just because you two are different races!? For fuck’s sake Luka, the amount of times we’d get hate crimes against us and abused is absorbed! It’s not worth it!”

I didn’t respond. What was I supposed to say to that? How was I supposed to convince him he has such a specific idea of what the world is? How can I tell him it’s getting better?

He spoke again after a moment of silence, “No… My dads might be able to make it in the world, but I can’t. I can’t survive like this.”

“You can’t survive being yourself?”

He looked me dead in the eyes.

“No. No, I can’t.”

And that was the end of that.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Updates on this probably are gonna be pretty sparse. :)


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